Inspire me…Make me cry

10 Feb

Who is worse?? A suicidal person that plans to kill himself/herself any day from now. Or someone who does the very things that are bad for the health with consequences of side effects that can explode to something serious or even death. Personally I would go for the suicidal person because that person is sad and ending a life prematurely. However the negative indulging person is still as guilty of leading a life towards destruction. I am among one of the many negative indulging people. Indulging in the very things that I know are bad for me. Oh the consequences of some short term gains.
I wonder what goes through a suicidal persons mind. It is quite terrifying I imagine to be in such an emotional state. I pray to never be in such a position where I would let my self go to the world. No matter how bad things may be I hope the Lord gives me the strength to keep finding happiness.
I find myself in state where I am emotionally broke. By this I mean I lack emotion at the moment. I lack Inspiration, I lack passion for anything. Things that used to make me happy do not have that much impact on me now. Things that used to make me angry do not anymore. I need to feel my heart beat, I want to be excited. I want to loose my voice from screaming so loud because I was so terrified of something or someone. Nothing scares me these days, no one upsets me anymore. I surprise myself with my reactions these days. I never even know what I will do next. Feelings that ran deep through me are not there anymore. I don’t even dislike people anymore. I don’t get offended anymore. I do not love anymore.
I have said I am soul searching, but what does that even mean. I know who I am, I know things that should make me happy. The fact that those very things don’t make me happy now confuses me. I want to be inspired. I want to cry. I want to laugh. I want to get so angry. I want to feel something. I have to get my emotions back. I want to be me when I was 5. I was so innocent, so full of life and a cry baby. When I got upset I cried, I need those very tears now. I need to get out, I need to go find new things to inspire me…make me cry!!

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